


Would you? If you could?

by bravenewweirdo



Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/F, Hurt/Comfort, Miscommunication
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-05
Updated: 2021-02-05
Packaged: 2021-03-17 16:08:25
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,368
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29228232
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bravenewweirdo/pseuds/bravenewweirdo
Summary: Something is bothering Beau and Yasha is determined to find out what it is.Set immediately after ep 124.Spoilers for ep 124
Relationships: Beauregard Lionett & Yasha, Beauregard Lionett/Yasha
Comments: 5
Kudos: 141





	Would you? If you could?

Something is bothering Beau. Yasha is sure of it. 

Ok, of course something was bothering Beau. There were lots of things bothering all of them, a sinister cult with a madman leading them being top of the list. It wasn’t crazy for Beau to be a little out of sorts at the moment, but somehow Yasha didn’t think that was it. 

Beau seemed… distant. They’d arrived in Nicodranas, spoken to Yussa and began making plans. Beau was still involved in discussions, but was maybe a little quieter than she normally might be. Not quite her usual loud, brash self. The Mighty Nein had returned to the Lavish Chateau in the evening to get rooms and greet Jester’s mother, before separating for some downtime. Through it all Beau just seemed…off. Normally she might catch Yasha’s eye and smile occasionally, or ask Yasha her opinion about a particular aspect of their plans. In fact, Yasha tried a few times to engage Beau, or to catch her eye only to be left disappointed. Beau seemed to be receding into herself, engaging less with the group as a whole but avoiding Yasha in particular. 

As the group dispersed, Yasha couldn’t stand it any more. “Beau? Can I talk to you for a minute please?” Yasha asked, sounding more formal than she intended. Jester wasn’t quite out of earshot, and turned and waggled her eyebrows at Yasha suggestively. Beau saw this too, and a wounded look came over her face as she turned to face Yasha. 

“Um, sure Yasha.” Beau’s voice was low, her eyes on the floor. “Upstairs?”

Yasha nodded in agreement and began walking up the stairs and Beau trudged somewhat reluctantly behind her. Yasha opened the door to her room, gesturing for Beau to enter while still feeling awkwardly formal. Beau stood in the middle of the floor; she seemed not to know what to do with herself. Yasha closed the door behind her, made to move towards Beau and then thought better of it. 

“What’s up Yash?” Beau’s eyes didn’t meet Yasha’s. “Weird day huh?”

“Very weird day.” Yasha agreed, “I know there’s a lot going on right now, but is there something you would like to talk about? You have seemed…strange since we left Aeor.”

Beau chuckled, but her smile didn’t reach her eyes. “I mean, I guess you could say I’m a little concerned about the Tombtakers, Lucien, the city….the list goes on.” She sounded a little exasperated, as if this should be obvious.

Yasha prickled a little at this. This didn’t sound like the Beau she knew, it was like she was trying to push Yasha away. She’d gone all…prickly. Yasha couldn’t fathom what had happened to elicit such a change in Beau in so short a time. 

“Of course, of course there’s so much to be worried about right now,” Yasha agreed in what she hoped was a comforting tone. “But I just… it seems like there might be more than that. If there’s something bothering you, you know you can tell me right? I have your back, always.”

Beau seemed to soften a little at Yasha’s words, which bolstered Yasha. 

“I know a lot has happened since you asked me about the date first, we’ve had to wait a long time.” Yasha’s voice grew a little smaller. “And if you don’t want to do that anymore, if something has changed… that’s ok.”

Beau’s mouth fell open slightly, her eyebrows raising. 

“No, Yasha I- that’s not it.” Beau seemed reluctant to continue. 

Yasha was somewhat baffled by this response. “But you’ve seemed so distant all day, like you didn’t want to be around me. Did I do something to upset you?” Yasha probed. 

“It’s actually…uh, something Essek said.” Beau seemed uncomfortable as she said this, one hand reaching up to scratch the back of her neck awkwardly. 

“Essek?” Yasha was more confused than ever. “I think we’re all concerned about Essek, but why couldn’t you tell me that?” She was a little hurt that Beau didn’t think she could confide in her. She thought they’d grown close but maybe Yasha had misread things entirely. 

“It’s what he said about the dunamancy. The time magic stuff you know?” Beau admitted, finally meeting Yasha’s eyes.

Yasha didn’t know what to say to this, unsure how Essek’s theories about manipulating time could drive a wedge between her and Beau as it seemed to have done. 

“I mean, we know he is drawn to power. I suppose I’m concerned about him meddling with forces beyond his control…” Yasha trailed off. 

“Yeah, yeah, crazy wizards are crazy.” Beau said dismissively. “But did you really think about it? About the possibilities?”

Yasha blinked at her.

“What if he could do it Yasha? What if it actually worked?” Beau started to pace a little around the room, seeming a little frantic. 

“I..hadn’t really thought about it at all to be honest Beau.” Yasha’s eyes followed Beau around the room as she paced. 

“I can’t stop thinking about what he said.” Beau continued. “About rectifying past mistakes, wiping away regrets.” 

Beau stilled, turning to face Yasha. 

“What if you could bring Zuala back?” Beau asked Yasha suddenly. “What if you could redo that whole part of your history so that she never died and you two could be together? Would you? If you could?” Her tone was almost accusatory, but there was a slight tinge of fear underneath. 

The intensity of Beau’s voice and stare caught Yasha by surprise. She was entirely taken aback at the question, by the entire idea. Throughout their entire conversation with Essek these implications hadn’t so much as crossed her mind. Yasha had been too preoccupied with matters at hand, but Beau seemed to have been dwelling on this possibility intently ever since. 

Of all the reasons Yasha thought might explain Beau’s distance and demeanour, this hadn’t occurred to her once. It was so…unlikely, if it was even possible at all. 

Yasha was so shocked she didn’t know how to begin to respond. She couldn’t do much beyond open and close her mouth a couple of times. She was only beginning to digest the information that bringing her wife back could be even the vaguest possibility in the first place. Beau was clearly several steps ahead of Yasha in terms what that might mean.

Beau seemed to take Yasha’s hesitation to mean that she would of course want to do such a thing. Beau’s face crumpled at this realisation, but she did her best to regain composure and failed miserably. 

“More than anything, I want you to be happy. It’s what you deserve.” Beau’s voice was firm as she turned away from Yasha. “If bringing Zuala back is what you want, I promise I will do everything I can to make that happen for you.” 

Yasha was flooded with an entire spectrum of emotion: grief at the thought of her lost wife, distress that Beau was so upset, deep affection for Beau that she was clearly so willing to surrender her own potential future with Yasha for the sake of Yasha’s happiness. She’d seen this side of Beau before when the Mighty Nein had considered bargaining with the Hag. Yasha had thought at the time that Beau had been reassured that her happiness mattered to them all, and to Yasha. Now, she wasn’t so sure Beau had gotten the message. 

Having said her piece Beau strode quickly out of the room, leaving Yasha in stunned silence. Her mind was reeling, trying to comprehend what had just happened. 

Yasha came to her senses after a minute or two digesting what Beau had meant. In a sort of daze, she began to walk down the hall towards Beau’s room, slowly at first. Then her pace quickened, as she realises just how badly she wants to set things right with Beau. It feels urgent.

She froze somewhat at the sight of Beau’s closed door. After hesitating for a long moment, she finally knocks softly on the worn wood of the door. There is no response, no noise from the room. 

“Beau?” Yasha asked softly through the door. There is still no response. Panicking for a moment, images of an injured or unconscious Beau flashing through her mind, Yasha tried the door handle. Locked. A muffled sound of movement reassures her that Beau hasn’t been killed in some freak ambush. 

“I’d really like to talk to you Beau, if you’ll let me.” Yasha leans her forehead against the door frame. “But I understand if you need some space, that’s alright too.”

“I’m fine! Just busy with preparations to stop the end of the world!” Beau’s voice was overly bright and cheery, though Yasha thought it sounded a little thick and muffled too. “I’ll meet you in the morning with the others!”

This stung Yasha a little. She’d really thought that, romance aside, her and Beau were close enough that she wouldn’t hide her emotions away like this. Yasha turned her back to the door, sliding down to sit leaning against it, tipping her head back and closing her eyes for a moment. 

“Well then, I am just going to sit here for a little while,” Yasha declared, her voice louder than usual so that it could be heard through the wall. “I might just talk to myself for a bit, you know, in a very normal way.”

She felt a little foolish, but while she wanted to give Beau privacy, she didn’t want to leave her totally without a friend nearby when she was clearly upset. Particularly when Yasha had been the one who’d upset her, even unintentionally. 

“I had thought things were going well, you know?” she mused aloud. “I was looking forward to our date so much. Yes of course I was worried about the Tombtakers and everything, but I was also just really impatient for it all to be resolved so that we could finally, finally spend time together.”

There was no answer from Beau’s room, and no sound of movement though Yasha knew Beau could move in total silence if she wanted to. Her and her awesome monk shit. Her awesome monk. 

“I was- I am, really excited about…us.” Yasha continued, partially to herself as she had no idea if Beau was listening or if she could even hear her. “I know we agreed that we would have a fresh start and do things properly, that either of us could back out if it didn’t work out for whatever reason….” She trailed off, not sure if she wanted to continue even to herself. If Beau was lost to her, maybe it would be better for Yasha to protect her heart from any further hurt and cut her losses. 

No. No, she couldn’t do that. A past version of her might have, but that Yasha was long gone. She’d been remade by her new family, had grown with them.

“When you brought up the dunamancy, the potential to change my past and bring Zuala back.. I was shocked Beau. With everything going on, the possibility hadn’t even occurred to me, and it took me a minute to process what that might mean.” Yasha’s heart hurt, thinking of the future she’d lost with her wife but she continued on. “I loved Zuala. I love her still. She will always be a part of me, part of my story.”

Yasha thought she could hear a muffled sound that could have been a sob from the other side of the door. She had to keep going, had to make sure Beau understood. 

“Without Zuala I probably would have remained with my tribe, married someone because it was what I was told to do, and lived out my life in the wastes of Xhorhas. That would have been it, start to finish. Zuala gave me so much, a life I couldn’t have dreamed of.” Yasha’s voice grew a little quieter as she spoke. “Leaving her behind… I will regret it until the day I die. I don’t think something like that ever leaves a person. I wouldn’t want it to either.”

She could feel a physical ache in her chest, as if the past wounds of her heart were opening up anew at these memories. “I thought it would be the end of me, that I would wander aimlessly through the rest of my life, cursed to be forever lost and alone.” Yasha’s voice remained steady, though tears had begun to trickle down her cheeks. She couldn’t be sure, but she suspected Beau was listening, could almost feel her presence on the opposite side of the door. 

“And then I found my family. I found you.” Yasha’s voice cracked, but she smiled as she spoke on. “For so long I could not believe that I could be so lucky. I ran away from you all again and again. I was so sure that this couldn’t be right, this family couldn’t possibly be meant for me, that I didn’t deserve such a blessing. But you all found me, over and over, and Beau I cannot tell you how grateful I am that you did.”

A quiet snuffle from inside the room.

“I don’t think I will ever stop grieving Zuala and the life we might have had.” Yasha spoke firmly, truth ringing in her words. “But in the same way she is a part of me, the Nein are too. Bringing her back, for some potential future that might have been would wipe away everything that has happened to me since. Meeting you all, learning to trust myself and let myself live without guilt. Or without so much guilt at least.”

Yasha sighed, reflecting on how lucky she’d been to meet people who cared about her. To have someone like Beau care so deeply about her that’d she’d sacrifice her own happiness for Yasha’s without hesitation.

“But Beau… I wouldn’t give up my future with you for anything.” Yasha said softly. It was easier to say these things without Beau looking at her, making her nervous. “I don’t want to rewrite the past. I want to remember it, and move forward.”

She let out a long breath. “With you, if that is what you want.” Yasha added with sad smile on her face. “If I haven’t totally fucked this up.”

There was a still no sound from the room. Maybe Yasha had been wrong to think Beau had been listening. Perhaps she’d exited via her window to avoid Yasha or she was taking a nap. She could just be really, really mad. Or worse, out looking for someone else to pursue, having discarded any thought of their date. 

Yasha face fell at this thought, and she decided there wasn’t much more she could do for the moment. If Beau didn’t want to speak to her, that was that. Yasha pulled herself to her feet and took one last forlorn look at the door before starting down the hallway with her gaze lowered. 

She was lost in her thoughts, mulling over everything she’d said, which is why she didn’t hear a soft step behind her as a small, brown hand slipped into her larger pale one.

Yasha jumped a little at the sudden proximity, her eyes growing wide as if anticipating a threat. 

“Oh god, I’m sorry! I didn’t meant to scare you!” Beau’s face reddened as she rushed to explain. “I just- I didn’t know what to say, what you said was so nice. I don’t think anyone has ever said something that nice to me and I don’t know how to react.” She looked down at the hand Yasha was still holding, and her face turned an even deeper shade of red. 

“You were listening?” Yasha asked softly, her eyes still wide. Her cheeks took on a pink shade to match Beau’s.

“Of course I was listening, I’m maybe the nosiest person ever, well except maybe for Veth, that bitch cannot res-“ Beau rambled on.

Yasha was relieved Beau was speaking to her again, but she wanted to be sure she’d understood, that she didn’t have lingering doubts.

“You know I’m not going to disappear on some time travel expedition to try and resurrect Zuala right?” Yasha asked abruptly, cutting Beau off. “I know you were listening, but did you understand what I was trying to say?”

Yasha used the hand that wasn’t held by Beau to caress her cheek gently, tilting her chin up so Beau would meet her eyes. The vulnerability Yasha saw there was striking. Yasha saw how badly it would have hurt Beau to watch Yasha reunite with her wife, but how willing she was to ensure it if that was Yasha’s choice. It nearly broke Yasha’s heart to see how little Beau valued her own. She rubbed her thumb across Beau’s cheek softly.

Beau breathed in deeply, as if gathering courage. “When I heard what Essek was saying, about this manipulation of time being possible I just… we’re all fuckups, that’s how we ended up together right? We didn’t have anywhere else to go, or we made a mistake or were running from something.” Beau said in a rush. “I guess I thought that given the chance the Nein would all want to fix their mistakes, the mistakes that led us to each other.”

Yasha’s brow furrowed. She couldn’t fathom how Beau could believe such a thing so strongly that it would be the first place her mind would go to.

Beau looked down at their held hands again. “I’m used to people leaving, because they found something better, or because I wasn’t enough.” Her voice wobbled a little as she spoke. “I have no regrets, there is nothing I would change, because I cannot imagine a life without the Mighty Nein. Without you. Not one that I want to live anyway.”

Beau sniffed sharply, before raising her head to meet Yasha’s eyes again with determination. “But Yasha I swear, you say the word and I’ll help you bring back Zuala. Honestly if that’s what you want I-“ Beau was cut off as Yasha dropped her hand to pulled her into a hug, holding her tight around her shoulders.

Beau was too shocked for a moment to react, before awkwardly wrapping her arms around Yasha’s waist. She let her eyes close as she breathed in. Yasha’s smell was so familiar, but she’d never experienced it up close before. Beau couldn’t quite believe how comforting it was, to be held like this by someone she cared so deeply for. 

Yasha turned her head to whisper in Beau’s ear. “You are so damn stubborn Beau. Please just believe my when I say I know what I want.” 

Yasha could feel Beau’s fists clench where they wrapped around Yasha’s waist, but she remained silent. 

“It’s you Beau, you’re what I want.” Yasha said softly against Beau’s hair, before pressing her lips to the top of Beau’s head. “Here and now. Do you understand?”

Yasha felt Beau nod against her shoulder, but it wasn’t enough. Yasha pulled away, needing to see Beau’s face to make sure she grasped what Yasha was trying to convey. Beau’s blue eyes were shining as they met Yasha’s at last, and she was pink to the tips of her ears. 

“So, do you still want to go on that date?” Beau asked, smiling shyly.

Yasha tilted her head back to laugh out loud at this, before pressing her forehead against Beau’s. 

“Just when I think I’m getting through to you, you make me question whether you were even paying any attention to what I said Beau.” Yasha teased gently. 

“Well I know we had plans for the tower and that sort of went to shit,” Beau mused, smiling widely, “but Jester has told me about some great spots here in Nicodra…”

“Beau can we please, PLEASE, go on a date as soon as possible?” Yasha’s grin matched Beau’s. “I don’t think I can take any more anticipation.”

“Ok, ok, you’re right,” Beau gave Yasha a quick kiss on the cheek before taking her hand. “No more waiting, let’s go”. And she led Yasha down the stairs, outside and onwards.

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading!
> 
> After their conversation this episode, I couldn't stop thinking about the implications of Essek and Caleb being able to manipulate time.
> 
> Relatedly, I've been thinking for a while now how wild it would be if the Mighty Nein met Yasha's tribe and it transpired that Zuala hadn't been killed after all, after Beau and Yasha finally get together. It's an unlikely scenario, but the possibilities for angst are endless. 
> 
> Also every week we go without the Beauyasha date, I lose my mind just a little bit. Fingers crossed for Nicodranas!
> 
> You can find me on tumblr: bravenewweirdo


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